According to mistress of spamamonies and Little Bar general manager Jenni Peters, past years have featured such noteworthy presentations as Spamela Anderson, the Spamiami Trail and my favorite, Sponge Bob Spam Pants. Anyone may enter a Spam sculpture or a Spam dish. The rules are pretty basic: Authentic Spam must be a key ingredient (no substitute meat-like products), and each contestant must actually taste his or her own dish in the presence of the judges.

Now for those culinary snobs snickering behind their French linen napkins, I have it on good authority that renowned French chef Peter Marek, triple gold-medal winner in the World Culinary Olympics and owner of Marek’s Collier House Restaurant, (1121 Bald Eagle Drive, Marco Island) is at this very moment sequestered in his test kitchen creating his entry. Meanwhile, Guy Verdi, chef/owner of Verdi’s American Bistro (241 N. Collier Blvd., Marco), is prepared to valiantly defend his 2006 title. Among the judges, says Peters, are two sophisticated concierges at the Marco Island Marriott.

The Little Bar is an Old Florida tavern at 205 Harbor Place in Goodland, at the smugly ungentrified southern tip of Marco Island. Spammy Jammy 2007 starts around 6 p.m. on July 7. The Raiford Starke Band takes the stage at 8:30, and the revelries wind down around 2 a.m. on July 8. Call
(239) 394-5663, or for contest rules, entry form and just plain fun reading, visit www.littlebarrestaurant.com.

Coincidentally, 2007 happens to be the 70th anniversary of Spam, which according to the Hormel Web site—and I am not making this up—is "the greatest moment in the history of mankind." For laugh-out-loud campiness, check out www.spam.com, wherein, for $3 shipping and handling, you can get your own way-cool retro Spam T-shirt (while they last). The downside: You have to send in three UPC labels from actual Spam cans.

Apparently an entire generation of Americans grew up on fried Spam, macaroni and cheese with Spam and grilled Spam-kabobs. While I missed the Spam era of the 20th century, I did take surfing lessons in Waikiki in the 21st from a spectacular Hawaiian god of a man who was literally unable to wax up his board till he’d downed a couple of cold Spam-and-seaweed breakfast sandwiches. Which proves that one (meaning I) can acquire a taste for anything under the right circumstances.

Still, given a choice of Hawaiian delights, I’m pretty sure I’d go for something like a delicate, flaky butterfish (also known as walu, flown in fresh from Honolulu) in a purée of bananas, rum and coconut, encrusted with roasted macadamias and topped with a lemon-butter sauce, which is the kind of thing chef Marek is whipping up for his patrons at the Collier House when he’s not having fun with Spam. Or, over at Verdi’s: seared tuna, wasabi and onion marmalade, grilled bok choy and jasmine rice with a wasabi drizzle. And while we’re talking Marco food, what chef Robert Mitchell does with a bucket of mussels, jumbo shrimp and a whole lobster tail is positively sinful. Chef Mitchell is master of the kitchen at Kurrents, the sensuous signature dining room in the newly refurbished Marco Island Marriott resort (400 S. Collier Blvd.; 239-394-2511). Alas, whatever he might have conjured up with a bucket of Spam must remain a mystery, as the conflict of interest with the judges makes him ineligible for the contest.

Enough about spam. I really need to talk to you about orchids. Specifically, the tragic fact that my treasured phaelenopsis didn’t present her usual show of giant white blossoms this year. When everyone else’s orchids burst into springtime flower, mine pouted. So I call Naples orchid guru Lisa Ferguson, whose magnificent orchid house at the Naples Beach Hotel & Golf Club—and I’m talking 5,000 plants—produces blooms all year long.

She asks kindly, "Did you remember to cut back the stem after last year’s blooming?" Oops. OK, so how do I get it to bloom again? You can’t, till next winter, she says; but not to worry. "Your phalaenopsis is a winter orchid. Cut back the finished stems around the first of June—that would be now—for next year’s growth. For summer, you simply switch varieties. Vanda and dendrobium are perfect choices. By the time your summer orchids are finished, your phalaenopsis will be ready to bloom again."

Ferguson has been known to orchid-sit prized plants for winter residents and vacationers. She also gives periodic classes, brings in guest lecturers and conducts popular weekly orchid tours at the hotel. Among her favorite regulars, in addition to the garden clubs, are the Red Hat Ladies. "They’re so colorful and so enthusiastic," she says, "especially when the queen comes. Of course, after a royal visit, we’re picking up stray feathers for weeks."

Ferguson’s orchid tours, Tuesdays at 10 a.m., are complimentary, although club groups are encouraged to stay for lunch at one of the resort’s restaurants. (Naples Beach Hotel, 851 Gulf Shore Blvd. N. www.naplesbeachhotel.com or 239-261-2222).