Age with Attitude

So what can we do to maximize a happy existence as we approach the third act of our lives? I spoke with four Southwest Florida seniors about how they faced up to various challenges—professional identity, physical appearance, athletic ability, loss of a loved one—and found ways to stay balanced and positive.

They discussed with me how they are making "the rest of their lives the best of their lives." It isn’t surprising that their stories strongly support research findings that, as we grow older, happiness truly does not lie in just changing our circumstances. It depends on how we approach our third act through our behavior, thoughts and goals

Mark, age 67
Situation: Retired CEO of large corporation, lost professional identity and lavish corporate lifestyle.
Q: As a CEO, you had so much power and such an exciting life, traveling the world in a corporate jet. What was the greatest challenge to your personal happiness when you retired and left that incredible lifestyle?

A: When you come out of the role of a high-powered executive, you are used to having everything done for you—even simple things like placing long-distance calls, booking a reservation, even having your car serviced. So you get hit with the fact that you haven’t been living in the "real world," and you have to get used to living in a more normal way. One of my first decisions was whether I was going to view this process as a fun challenge or spend my time grieving for the old life, where I was pampered and cared for.

Another challenge was establishing a new way of interacting with other people. Those who knew me as "the power person" didn’t know how to treat me or have conversations with me in this new role. Going to restaurants was different, too. I used to have the choice table—always—with or without a reservation. Now I have to wait along with everyone else. So the questions I had to ask myself were, "How do I make this new life work? How do I set up my life in this new role?"

I realized early on that I didn’t want my world reduced to playing golf in the daytime and talking about nothing but golf over dinner every evening. I wanted to be around people who would challenge my thinking. So I became active on a couple of boards of directors that were a good match to my previous life experience and knowledge.

I also started my own business, which involved buying and doing quality renovations of homes in Old Naples. I didn’t want making money to be my only objective. I wanted my renovations to be of a caliber that would be a true contribution to the community. What it comes down to is that people have to find their own ways to happiness as we make transitions and enter into different phases of our lives.

Analysis: Mark faced a very difficult transition many people make at retirement: the loss of professional status and luxury lifestyle that had become as linked with his previous identity as his name. He made his new life work by quickly identifying what would give a sense of meaning and purpose to his life. He drew from his optimistic outlook on the future as he committed to new ways of making a difference during this stage of life.

John, age 58
Situation: Former Olympic athlete sustaining losses in physical appearance and athletic ability.
Q: You had tremendous success and a lot of notoriety as an Olympic athlete. You have told me, however, that time has taken a toll on your physical appearance and athletic ability, yet you always seem to have a smile on your face and still enjoy competing in golf and tennis. What is your secret for comfortably making the shift between your fame as an Olympic star to a somewhat less-glamorous lifestyle as you grow older?

A: I’ll have to admit that when I retired and moved to Naples, I was in a bit of a funk. In some ways, I felt like my life was over. So, I asked myself, "What are my goals for the rest of my life? What do I want out of life?"

I knew that if my goal for this stage of my life was to look and compete like I did when I was 20, I would probably be terribly disappointed and frustrated. If, on the other hand, my goal was to take excellent care of my body and get out there and compete at an appropriate level—rather than living on my laurels from the past—I would probably enjoy and be pretty happy with my life in the present.

The approach I took was to get a picture in my mind of what I believed was possible for me in the present, particularly as it related to my level of physical fitness and athletic abilities. In addition to having a healthy diet, I set up a program at the fitness center designed to my specific needs, and I now engage in sports that I enjoy and can compete in reasonably well.

Analysis: John has successfully made the adjustment from youth and Olympic star status (and body) to the creation of a new "best possible self." The best-self picture he keeps in his head will likely increase his positive moods and motivate him to pursue new goals that are appropriate and personally meaningful in this stage of his life.

Macky, age 66
Situation: Longtime caretaker, loss of spouse.
Q: You loved and took care of your husband through the 15 years prior to his death two years ago. You coped well and remained happy throughout those difficult years as well as now, as you adjust to life without him. How did you do it?

A: Chuck and I went through very difficult times during those years. Life was an emotional roller coaster. Not only was I the caregiver, but I also had to teach full time for 12 additional years in order to get the health insurance we needed. Yet, somehow, I never resented those trying times.

As I look back on it, I realize that I couldn’t have made it through that journey without my religious faith and without a way of life that I internalized from an article I found in the "Dear Abby" column. The philosophy of that article, "Just for Today," became my life’s foundation. I could do something for 24 hours that would appall me if I felt I had to do it for a lifetime.

My approach to life after Chuck’s death has been much the same as my approach to his health situation: one day at a time. Take care of yourself for that day. Get up, get dressed and participate in life. Surround yourself with friends. Don’t let your mind dwell on the negative. When you don’t feel like you can cope anymore, turn it over to God and let him carry you, as in the famous poem "Footprints in the Sand."

I surround myself with positive friends, but not just to get their support. You need to be out there giving support as well. I believe that helping others through situations similar to mine is the difference between whether I "wither up" or "blossom." Instead of focusing on my own problems, I focus on how I can be of help to someone else. You never really pay back the support you receive from friends. You pay it forward and give support to someone else who needs it.

Analysis: Macky has responded to her challenges with a graceful and optimistic spirit. Rather than allowing herself to become overwhelmed and depressed, she consciously practiced problem-focused coping strategies that researchers consistently find to be helpful in managing life’s lowest ebbs. She came up with strategies that worked for her and followed a plan of action. She surrounds herself with friends, but has a guiding principal of "pay it forward." Finally, Macky’s religious beliefs and sense of spirituality provide a serenity and acceptance that have characterized her approach to successfully finding happiness while coping with stress and loss.

Harry, age 65
Situation: Remarrying after devastating loss of wife of 42 years.
Q: How did you get your life back on track after losing the wife you loved so much for 42 years?

A:When I lost my wife, I had a very difficult time emotionally despite the support of many friends and family members. One day while visiting my doctor, the doctor told me, "Harry, I think you are on the verge of a major depression."

It was then that I knew I couldn’t sit and feel sorry for myself any longer. While there was nothing I could do to change the situation I found myself in, I could do something about the way I was looking at it. I had been thinking and acting like a pessimist rather than the optimist I usually am. So I created a new slogan for my life: "Cope, don’t mope."